Saturday, September 14, 2013


Oh Ehull....You RASCAL!

  Hello everyone it's I.B Lyons here with season 23's Champions story. The Burlington Coat Factories did the impossible and 3-peated. I caught up to the Champs owner and chief fornicater, Ehull11, at their new spring training facility in beautiful Oracle Arizona.
   The flight into Tuscon was uneventful but my taxi to the new Slap and stadium was uncomfortable. My taxi driver Ram Amandeep must have took the long way because after a long bumpy ride, my roids were barking. And the 125.00 fare made me feel very violated and ashamed. I made my way to the training room and there was Ehull11 at the training table filling his plate with carne guisada and beef enchiladas. I met him at the table as he was sitting down and he smiled,wiped his hands on his Guayabera and shook my hand. "Hello I.B. ,Welcome to my new Spring Trainig facility. Have you had a chance to visit our new interactive fan experience? It has everything for a Coat Factory fan, from the Butt and Booby whack-a-mole to the Raincoat flash your junk wax museum. Very popular with the ladies, that one." He shovled in a mouthful of carne guisada and I took this opportunity to ask my first question.
   What did you think of your teams regular season?? Ehull took a long drink from his Tequilla Sunrise and said:
  "The regular season was a surprise. Three guys hitting 40+ HRs is mighty unsual for these parts. In Burlington we believe in pitching first, pitching second, and pitching last. Suddenly, these kids are launching balls out of our spacious park left and right. It was unsettling. I also didn't care for the unrelated used syringes littering the clubhouse."
    I agree Ehull it could be a pricky situation. What player in your opinion was instrumental in your run to the championship?
   "Oh, Marty Allen was powerful special this year. Powerful special! .329 with 47 HRs in the regular season. Then hits 5 more dingers in the post-season while batting .375. He was truly the straw that stirred the drink." With that he guzzled his drink and ordered us 2 more.
    Then I asked. After losing Karnuth to Madmuldoons team in free agency you picked up Torres from his team of miscreants. Did Torres behave himself ?
    "Karnuth is a good, quiet kid. Works hard. Lives to hit his doubles. Minds his own beeswax. Then we pick up this Torres. What can I say? Wild. Came in from Vancouver with some tales that'd make a whore blush. Shit, we are used to rabble rousing. Booze. Maybe a bump of coke here and there. You know, kids stuff. But Torres was a whole different kind of beast. I don't know what ownership is doing up in VC but hopefully the move to warmer climes includes some straightening up of their ways. But I fear they moved to the desert for new locales to bury the bodies. I lived in Scottsdale for 5 years and they don't need anymore sketchy characters. I think they added a whole team of 'em."
   Yea working for Mad is interesting to say the least. Now that he is in Scottsdale the debauchery has taken a new level. Used to be he had to stay indoors during the winter months.'s outdoors and in the open year round. We both nodded in agreement then i asked. Mad said in the preview that Guthrie was a key pickup in the off-season. What are your plans for him next year?
    Ehull got up filled his plate and sat back down and said: "At age 34 that rascal wants a 4 year contract. 4 years! I told him to come back when reality sinks in. He took a swing at me. I grabbed my gun. All in all, it's a typical off season."
    Way to stand your ground Ehull .But I'm not sure grabbing your dick was the answer tho. I grinned and decided to ask him a real world question. I know your a Diamondback fan. What happened to them this year and will they get in as a wild-card?
    "My understanding is that the D'backs are deep in talks with Swish to pull off a rare inter-dimensional trade for Johnny Stone and Placido Telemaco. If the scientists at Cal Tech can figure this whole thing out, I think the future looks bright for the D'backs."
    Whoa there big fella. Not sure the time continum can take that. Mixing the real world with the make believe can create all kinds of problems. Look at Miley Cyrus as an example, I can never watch Hannah Montana re-runs again with out whacking off. I shivered at the thought , downed a drink to clear my head and asked.  What are the odds the Coat Factories 4-peat?
   Call me crazy but on a scale from Charlie Sheen to Conway Twitty, I'm rating our chances at a Jesse Ventura. I know what you are thinking: "How can I even say that?" But I stand by it 100%."
  No time to Bleed. I get ya. Last question then I will let you eat your dessert in peace. Is there anything you would like to say to the Wrigleyville bunch?
  I'd like to say that I feel very fortunate to keep getting hot in the playoffs. Duking it out in the playoffs against great owners like swish, olemiss, jeff2106, mdymond, mark3313, hatton98, and nelig over the last three years is awesome. I also have to give a shout to rbedwell who kept me out of a few other series. In this league, you line up your guys and know that it is going to be a dog fight in the playoffs because every owner brings it. Good stuff and I look forward to another season. Good luck to all."
  Well said Ehull and Congrats again on your 3rd World Championship. He ripped his cuban shirt off and wiped his chin, then slapped me on the rump on my way out the door.
   It has been a pleasure to interview Ehull the last 3 years .And who knows, Maybe it will be 4???

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