Tuesday, April 6, 2010


    I woke up today in beautiful Jacksonville. I threw on my favorite stretchy pants and donned a pair of sunglasses . For I was off to my friend Sandleaguer's Mansion and his fully stocked bar. As the cab stopped at the desired address.  I was taken aback at the site of  what used to be the palacial estate of the Sand. No longer were there pillers of white smooth granite. No longer was the lawn green and manacured. Now what lay before me was a dilapidated wheathered shack. On the brown dead lawn there was a sign Car For Sale of undetermined age. Forced to sell by Wife also of undetermined Age!!..
    As I stepped across the broken concrete steps to the a old door. With rusty hinges and a chipped nob, yellowed with age. The door creaked open and groan could be heard from th structure as if it would finnally cave in. Sand was standing there shirtless with old stained shorts and flip flops adorning his feet. He smiled and coaxed me in to a damp old room with old styro and pizza boxes litterd about. I sat in a three legged chair propped up by a telephone book or two. Sand had a bottle of Old Crow and handed me the bottle begrudginly. I took a deep swig and the place seemed to brighten up instantly.
    After a couple gulps I was feeling no pain and could care less what type of abode I was in. I asked Sand. "What happened to the Digs ,Sand??" Sand gave me a forlorn look and said . " Well I got good news and bad news . The bad news is i sold my car so I could keep my team. The good news is I  sold my wife so i could keep my team. " Wow that is good news so I broke out a fresh bottle of Jack and we sucked on the bottle for a while. After an hour Sand finally loosened up enough for me to ask. " S..Sand What Haaappanned ? I thought the Man..*Hicup*..atees were doing well." Sand handed me the Jack and said. " Well mad I was looking to diversify .And when i was on my diet I was eating a salad and I noticed  the Bacon Bits were artificial. So i started thinking about getting into the Real Bacon Bit Buisness. Well I have the hookup from HOF'er Al McGraw who has a potbellie pig farm. So I bought an old warehouse and started making Real Bacon Bits." He stopped took a swig and continued. " I also came up with a way to make them cheaper. Instead of killing the pig then chopping the sucker into little bits .I combined the two Steps. I used explosives to blow the pig to bits and therefore saved half my labor costs." Man what a great idea !! But you must have made  a fortune. What happened to the money?? Sand found a half bottle of Jim Beam and replied. " Well I did make alot then some waiter up in New York Tripped with a tray full of salads with BLOWED TO BITS NATURAL BACON BITS on them.And there was a huge explosion. It seems that some of the Nitro Glyceren we were using to blow up the Pigs. Soaked into the Bacon Bits and made the volitile. Who New?? So after we recalled all the bits we came up with a natural way of exploding the pigs. First we plug there little butts up then we fed them burritos from Ileagal Petes. And in a few hours enough natural gases built up and the little guys would go BOOM. But PETA sued us and after the explosion suites settled we were broke." Man Sand what bad luck.
    After that we just drank , sang songs and I had a great time at sands new house. You see its not the place or even the company that makes a fun time .It's the Liquor

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