Friday, September 7, 2012
THE CRABBERS LEAVE OPPONENTS SCRATCHING
Hello Wrigleyville , I.B. Lyon here reporting for MAD News. Rbedwell and his Santurce Crabbers have Clawed their way to another World Series win. The San Juan Santurce Crabbers have played in 3 of the last 4 World Series and won 2 of them. They dominated this years playoffs with a 11-1 record and left some of us scratching our heads and the rest, just scratching.
I caught up to Ralph at the Republican National Convention in Tampa Bay. After taking a Taxi to the Southern Comfort Inn were Ralph booked the 100 proof room. I knocked on the door and could hear muffled voices and the sound of people moving within. After several minutes and rapping my knuckes raw. The door opened and three lovley babes squeezed by me followed by a midget,a baby goat and a someone in a Pinocchio suit with a very long nose. Then a disheveled Ralph slapped me on the back and ushered me in saying. "Welome I.B.Lyon,Welcome". I stumbled over and assortment of liquer and vegatable oil bottles and nearly fell when I stepped on a slip and slide. There were no chairs in the room and Ralph noticed my apprehension and said. " Sorry I.B, I threw out all the chairs after giving them a good scolding.But hey, Pop a squat there on the bed". I gingerly sat with my back on the headboard and said. " Congrats Ralph on another World Series win. And if I remember correctly, you told me 4 years ago at Mammasitas House of Pinoche that you would win some more rings. And here we are!". Ralph smiled as he combed the chocolate sauce in his hair to one side and said."I couldn't be more proud of my kids (Not the baby goat).They cut thru the playoffs like Lizzy Borden at a family reunion."
He poured us a couple Blantons and I asked. " How much longer can this team win before you have to retool?" He eyed me for a second ,popped a couple Viagras, grabbed the bottle and took 2 deep swigs. then said. " I don't know when I'll have to blow this team up. But I do know that I have to blow up some toys before my friends return with the Crisco." Ralph then grabbed a inflatible purple Manatee with a crimson Tutu and began to blow it up.
I took that as my cue to leave. And I swiftly exited Ralphs private World Series Celebration.I caught a Taxi back to the airport.Made my way thru the myriad of Republican Delegates yelling at empty chairs and thought to myself. Ralph sure knows how to party and play this game of ours. Congtrats again to Ralph and his World Champion San Juan Santurce Crabbers.