SANDBERG EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? PART 3

  


The voice was unmistakeable. It was Sandbergs voice to be sure. And the voice rang out "Don't just stand there like a drunk Madmuldoon...say something." So I said "Sandberg...er.... just the guy I wanted to see . Whats going on?"  There was a stirring in the back of the cell and it was very dark so I couldn't see. Then slowly a fugure shuffled towards the dim light of the hallway .Two boney sets of fingers grasped the bars and a face with a full beard streaked with grime and dirt poked between the bars. I don't mind telling you people. I was shocked at the withered face of Sandberg. It looked like he was plucked off the set of Castaway.
   I blurted out " Sandberg is it really you? What happened my man? You look terrible". He raised his eyes to meet mine and said "Yes I.B....It's me. I've been in this prison for 473 days now. That dastardly Osimi Bin Downloaden kidnapped me last year and threw me in this hole. The only person I've seen since then was that wife of yours. She made a booty call yesterday saying she would make you pay and pay dearly". Well readers, I was dumbfounded. How could my wife have breached the impenetrable security of WIS?
   Then it dawned on me,  a smile creeped across my handsome face. I started jumping and whooping and hollering with glee. "I'm free of that life sucking bitch! Now that I'm locked up , I no longer have any money coming in. She will be off with the next truck driver she can find. Wooohooo!!!" Just then a hairy wiry arm grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and jerked me around. Guys, I got that sick feeling in my stomach because there is only one person who ever manhandled me like that. My WIFE! God ...No.........No....!
    She said " listen here buster. Don't think for a minute that you can shirk away in this palace of concrete and steel. You're coming with me I.B. And if I don't get my money by payday, you'll be sorry buster!" The She-bitch from hell dragged me out of that dungeon. Past the the guards with their pants around the ankles snoring with smiles from ear to ear. All the while Sandberg was shrieking "No...No I.B. Tell the guys in Wrigleyville that it's not me in control of my teams!!! Please!! Please!! I want my Mommy!!"
   My escape was several days ago and my life has been hell since. My wife is making me take her shopping daily for my insolence.And I have taken this time to write while the bane of my existence is  trying on dress after endless dress. Uh...."no honey that doesn't make your butt look fat". Sorry guys for the interuption so I better finish this up. We still have to visit the shoe store. You all can make your own conclusions to the Sandberg/Groger flap. But 2 things seem clear to me. It looks to me like The super Cyber-Terrorist Osimi Bin Downloaden has struck again.Hijacking Sandbergs computer. And the other, if given the chance I would trade places with Sandberg gladly. He's got it so easy!!

SANDBERG EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? PART 2

 

  So now I had my merry bunch of thieves and we put our heads together and devised a plan. It was a three-prong attack on the WIS defenses. At high noon the Frito Banditos would faint a attack on the main gate then retreat while dropping hot pockets and playboys. This would distract the security forces of What if Sports in munching and heavy petting. At 12:05 the Lehman Bros CEO would parachute behind enemy lines in his Golden Parachute and the Hamburgler and I would scale the back wall and make our way to the main building.
  But Alas.... Things went terribly wrong from the start. The Frito Banditos took a Siesta and never distracted the guards and the Lehman Bros executive was captured right away. With the potential loss of his Golden Parachute he gave up the plan and the Hamburgler and I were captured and taken to the dungeon underneath the Citadel.
  I knew what would come next...torture and interogation.The Hamburgler wilted like the lettuce on a Big Mac and told what he knew for a happy meal. But I was like a rock, and endured intense whiskey boarding and frequent strip searches. Little did they know I was used to this treatment from my Ex/Current wife. The fools at WIS even went as far as to threaten me with " We have your wife so if you want to see her again you give us what we want". I told them that everyone in Cincinatti has had my wife and now that were re-married she will show up at paydays. God and the forces of nature couldn't stop this from happening.
  They left me alone after that, and when I sobered up from the Whiskey Boarding, I was able to take stock of my situation. My cell was very small with walls of bricks on three sides and bars on the other. There was a small tattered cot in the corner a metal toilet was hooked to the wall. I stuck my face between the bars and viewed a long hallway with a drab green floor. There was about five cells on each side with a steel door at the end of the hall. Just then a voice rang out from the cell opposite of mine. " Hello I.B........It's me Sandberg".

SANDBERG ,EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? Part 1

Editors Note: Below is the first installment of my attempt to get to the bottom of the alleged Alias Conspiracy in Wrigleyville. I put my best man on the case , I. B. Lyon. I know I could have released this story in one part, but in the spirit of Charles Dickens. I need to increase readership or we may close up shop. Thanks MAD. 

BY: I.B.LYON


(WHIF-Cincinatti) After Madmuldoon asked me to dig into the shennanigans of the Sandberg/Groger conspiracy. I decided to make my way to the only place I could obtain information. Thats right kiddos....WIS headquarters in beautiful Cincinatti ,Ohio.
  After some surveilance of WIS from the bar across the street. I concluded that I would need to recruit some help to gain access to the Citadel of Cyber-Space. So I did what any crack investigative reporter would do. I went to my friend in the Red Light district for help, Jeff2106. I found him at "Gertrudes Slap and Tickle Emporium" deep in the bowels of the Red Light district. He was engaged in a muff diving competition and completed a very nice double summy with a triple twist. After recieving scores of 9.5, 8.9, 9.9 and 9.1 he was assured of a podium finish. I was able to get some advice between dives and Jeff told me there was a myriad of ruffians and scoundrels in the audience who for the right price or a blow job would help me in my endevour.
  I thanked him for the sage wisdom and let him go to complete his final dive. Now people, madmuldoon doesn't pay me shit so I had very little money to offer the thieves and miscreants. So I did what any middle aged man of limited means would do. I re-married my ex-wife and when my back was turned she blew every swinging dick in the place. After the honey-moon was over I was able to recruit 4 of the most notorius of thieves the world has ever seen. The Hamburgler, 2 of the Frito Banditos and the CEO of Lehman Brothers.

(To be Continued)

Fire Sale In Tacoma

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News Release by Sandberg10:
I will talk trade for ANY of my players except for J.T. Nichols and Apollo West. I will only seriously look at offers involving only prospects. I am breaking this team down to rebuild.
I caught up to Sandberg in beautiful downtown Tacoma and asked why he was breaking up this playoff contender. He Replied "I'm frustrated after winning my division the last three years and falling flat on our face in the playoffs". Well fellow owners this team is stocked with fine players so hurry and grab em!!