SANDBERG EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? PART 3

  


The voice was unmistakeable. It was Sandbergs voice to be sure. And the voice rang out "Don't just stand there like a drunk Madmuldoon...say something." So I said "Sandberg...er.... just the guy I wanted to see . Whats going on?"  There was a stirring in the back of the cell and it was very dark so I couldn't see. Then slowly a fugure shuffled towards the dim light of the hallway .Two boney sets of fingers grasped the bars and a face with a full beard streaked with grime and dirt poked between the bars. I don't mind telling you people. I was shocked at the withered face of Sandberg. It looked like he was plucked off the set of Castaway.
   I blurted out " Sandberg is it really you? What happened my man? You look terrible". He raised his eyes to meet mine and said "Yes I.B....It's me. I've been in this prison for 473 days now. That dastardly Osimi Bin Downloaden kidnapped me last year and threw me in this hole. The only person I've seen since then was that wife of yours. She made a booty call yesterday saying she would make you pay and pay dearly". Well readers, I was dumbfounded. How could my wife have breached the impenetrable security of WIS?
   Then it dawned on me,  a smile creeped across my handsome face. I started jumping and whooping and hollering with glee. "I'm free of that life sucking bitch! Now that I'm locked up , I no longer have any money coming in. She will be off with the next truck driver she can find. Wooohooo!!!" Just then a hairy wiry arm grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and jerked me around. Guys, I got that sick feeling in my stomach because there is only one person who ever manhandled me like that. My WIFE! God ...No.........No....!
    She said " listen here buster. Don't think for a minute that you can shirk away in this palace of concrete and steel. You're coming with me I.B. And if I don't get my money by payday, you'll be sorry buster!" The She-bitch from hell dragged me out of that dungeon. Past the the guards with their pants around the ankles snoring with smiles from ear to ear. All the while Sandberg was shrieking "No...No I.B. Tell the guys in Wrigleyville that it's not me in control of my teams!!! Please!! Please!! I want my Mommy!!"
   My escape was several days ago and my life has been hell since. My wife is making me take her shopping daily for my insolence.And I have taken this time to write while the bane of my existence is  trying on dress after endless dress. Uh...."no honey that doesn't make your butt look fat". Sorry guys for the interuption so I better finish this up. We still have to visit the shoe store. You all can make your own conclusions to the Sandberg/Groger flap. But 2 things seem clear to me. It looks to me like The super Cyber-Terrorist Osimi Bin Downloaden has struck again.Hijacking Sandbergs computer. And the other, if given the chance I would trade places with Sandberg gladly. He's got it so easy!!

SANDBERG EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? PART 2

 

  So now I had my merry bunch of thieves and we put our heads together and devised a plan. It was a three-prong attack on the WIS defenses. At high noon the Frito Banditos would faint a attack on the main gate then retreat while dropping hot pockets and playboys. This would distract the security forces of What if Sports in munching and heavy petting. At 12:05 the Lehman Bros CEO would parachute behind enemy lines in his Golden Parachute and the Hamburgler and I would scale the back wall and make our way to the main building.
  But Alas.... Things went terribly wrong from the start. The Frito Banditos took a Siesta and never distracted the guards and the Lehman Bros executive was captured right away. With the potential loss of his Golden Parachute he gave up the plan and the Hamburgler and I were captured and taken to the dungeon underneath the Citadel.
  I knew what would come next...torture and interogation.The Hamburgler wilted like the lettuce on a Big Mac and told what he knew for a happy meal. But I was like a rock, and endured intense whiskey boarding and frequent strip searches. Little did they know I was used to this treatment from my Ex/Current wife. The fools at WIS even went as far as to threaten me with " We have your wife so if you want to see her again you give us what we want". I told them that everyone in Cincinatti has had my wife and now that were re-married she will show up at paydays. God and the forces of nature couldn't stop this from happening.
  They left me alone after that, and when I sobered up from the Whiskey Boarding, I was able to take stock of my situation. My cell was very small with walls of bricks on three sides and bars on the other. There was a small tattered cot in the corner a metal toilet was hooked to the wall. I stuck my face between the bars and viewed a long hallway with a drab green floor. There was about five cells on each side with a steel door at the end of the hall. Just then a voice rang out from the cell opposite of mine. " Hello I.B........It's me Sandberg".

SANDBERG ,EVIL OR EVIL GENIUS? Part 1

Editors Note: Below is the first installment of my attempt to get to the bottom of the alleged Alias Conspiracy in Wrigleyville. I put my best man on the case , I. B. Lyon. I know I could have released this story in one part, but in the spirit of Charles Dickens. I need to increase readership or we may close up shop. Thanks MAD. 

BY: I.B.LYON


(WHIF-Cincinatti) After Madmuldoon asked me to dig into the shennanigans of the Sandberg/Groger conspiracy. I decided to make my way to the only place I could obtain information. Thats right kiddos....WIS headquarters in beautiful Cincinatti ,Ohio.
  After some surveilance of WIS from the bar across the street. I concluded that I would need to recruit some help to gain access to the Citadel of Cyber-Space. So I did what any crack investigative reporter would do. I went to my friend in the Red Light district for help, Jeff2106. I found him at "Gertrudes Slap and Tickle Emporium" deep in the bowels of the Red Light district. He was engaged in a muff diving competition and completed a very nice double summy with a triple twist. After recieving scores of 9.5, 8.9, 9.9 and 9.1 he was assured of a podium finish. I was able to get some advice between dives and Jeff told me there was a myriad of ruffians and scoundrels in the audience who for the right price or a blow job would help me in my endevour.
  I thanked him for the sage wisdom and let him go to complete his final dive. Now people, madmuldoon doesn't pay me shit so I had very little money to offer the thieves and miscreants. So I did what any middle aged man of limited means would do. I re-married my ex-wife and when my back was turned she blew every swinging dick in the place. After the honey-moon was over I was able to recruit 4 of the most notorius of thieves the world has ever seen. The Hamburgler, 2 of the Frito Banditos and the CEO of Lehman Brothers.

(To be Continued)

THE WEEK IN WRIGLEYVILLE S-22 #4

TRADES

The CINCINATTI RED LIGHT DISTRICTS traded Buddy Stockton to the TAMPA BAY STARS for Buzz Person and 2,000,000
The Red Light Districts get some bullpen help with this years salary paid. The Stars get a nice juicy prospect for the future.



M L INJURIES

David Cabrera
David "Abra" Cabrera has swelling in his shoulder. He's a good pitcher and hopefully this injury is just a grand illusion.

Anthony Burns
Anthony "IT" Burns is already back after 2 weeks on the DL. Hopefully this doesn't start a RASH of injuries for the Bandits.

Rudy MacDougal
Rudy "Cheesy" MacDougal has a strained Hammy and will be out 2 weeks. Smile Illicit!! 

Wayne Snyder
Wayne "World Class" Snyder has been a solid player for many years. This is his first stay on the DL and he still has another year left on his contract.He may make it back this season...May?

Nicky Fordham
There is a RASH  spreading in Colorado Springs. Nicky "Go No Further"  Fordham will miss 2 weeks with a forearm cramp. Ressda has a RASH of injuries ,luckily they are minor ones.Cream or Clear??




INTERNATIONALS

Jose Diaz Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 19 B/T: R/R Born: Ingenio Quisqueya, DO Position(s): 2B View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Just a Rookie filler.

Javier Ramirez Durham BullShippers Age: 22 B/T: R/R Born: Bolivar, VE Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Should have a long Rookie/LowA career.

Oswaldo Marrero Trenton Toyotas Age: 19 B/T: R/R Born: Villa Gonzalez, DO Position(s): P (ClA) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

3.9 million and a S/t invite. Who signed him???

Bartolo Rivera Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Cotui, DO Position(s): P (LRA) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Rookie innings eater.

Julio Jose Fargo Prairie Dogs Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Haina, DO Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Rookie bullpen guy. Could use a DITR bump to make AA/AAA

Pascual Cayones Cincinnati Red Light District Age: 18 B/T: S/R Born: Jarabacoa, DO Position(s): 1B View Hardball Dynasty Profile

With my limited Scouting he looks like a steal at 2.8 million.

THE WEEK IN WRIGLEYVILLE S-22 #3

TRADES

The WASHINGTON D C WINGDINGS traded Cleatus Canseco to the MINNESOTA MISFITS for Geronimo Cruz and 2,700,000
Minnesota gets a pitching prospect that wants a shot at the bigs but may need another year in AAA.
Washington gets a nice bullpen guy with his salary paid.

The MADISON MUSKELLUNGES traded Rex Maxwell to the CINCINATTI RED LIGHT DISTRICTS for Wayne Zerbe and Chris Grahe and 3,400,000
Cincy gets a pretty decent LH specialist for the pen. Madison picks up a former ace pitcher with some of his salary paid and a decent Catching prospect.


M L INJURIES

Corky Walter
Corky "Under" Walter is back on the DL. He should come up for air in 2 weeks.  

Jackson Reed
Jackson Reed "and Write" just can't spell so well....like myself. But he can swipe a base with the best of em. He will be on the DL for 2 weeks.

Robin Cirillo
Robin "Sarsaparilla" Cirillo will be slurping his soda from the dugout. He's on the DL for 2 weeks with bone spurs.

Don Hyzdu
Don "Raw" Hydzu is back on the DL for a month. No suprise with his health rating. Rollin.Rollin, Rollin keep them doggoies going.... Raw Hyzdu!!!


INTERNATIONALS

Deivi Hernandez Durham BullShippers Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Santa Lucia, VE Position(s): P (ClA) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

12 million and S/T invite for what I can see is a blue chip bullpen pitcher. But then again my scouting budgets are very low.

Sammy Zurbaran San Francisco Kickapoos Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Pueblo Nuevo, DO Position(s): SS View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Mark loves defensive guys with speed. This is one of them.

Rob Bravo Salem Salmonbellies Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Lakenheath, UK Position(s): P (P) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

4 million and a S/T invite for this good prospect.

Julio Juarez Santa Fe Blues Age: 20 B/T: R/R Born: Nizao de Bani, DO Position(s): P (SP3) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

12.1 million for this newest Blue. He would make me very Happy.

Harry Ordonez San Francisco Kickapoos Age: 18 B/T: L/R Born: Victoria De Las Tunas, CU Position(s): SS View Hardball Dynasty Profile

See......I told you Mark loves these kind of players. This one cost 3 million.

Juan Nunez Trenton Toyotas Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Willemstad, CB Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Filling out the rookie squad here.

Eugenio Reynoso Trenton Toyotas Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Jicome Esperanza, DO Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Ditto

Wilton Satou Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Kabul, AF Position(s): P (SP2) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

A good minor league innings eater.

Freddy Suzuki Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 18 B/T: S/R Born: Manila, PH Position(s): P (SuB) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Just a rookie bullpen pitcher.

Diory Nunez Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 19 B/T: R/R Born: El Seibo, DO Position(s): SS View Hardball Dynasty Profile

1.7 million for this prospect. Could make it to the bigs?

Javier Megias Syracuse Moose Age: 18 B/T: S/R Born: Distrito Nacional, DO Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

3.4 million for this nice pitching prospect. Go.......Moose!!

THE WEEK IN WRIGLEYVILLE S-22 #2

TRADES 

The CINCINATTI RED LIGHT DISTRICTS traded Pablo Samuel and Frank Chang to the SAN JUAN SANTURCE CRABBERS for Ryan Vaughn and 5,000,000
The Crabbers gets Future HOF'er Samuel back so he can finish his career as a King Crab.San Juan also picked up a good outfield prospect. Cincy gets a really good CF'er in his prime and most of this years salary paid.

M L INJURIES

Bernie Richard
Bernie "Poor" Richards will miss 2 weeks with a dislocated shoulder.He will be looking for a big money contract next year. No more Arb! This injury won't help. 


Don Dixon
Don "limp" Dixon formally Don " Big Donkey" Dixon will be in the Hall Of Fame soon. The 41 year old pitcher is one of the greatest in Wrigleyville. At that age it gets harder and harder to get up. This will force his retirement...Not the way he wanted to go out.

Fernando Urbina
Fernando "FU" Urbina will miss will miss 2 weeks with a sore shoulder. He Doesn't care Sordie!

*Below is the begining of what I call the April 7th Massacre. There were 7 players hitting the DL on that day. Thanks WIS!

Andres Ferrer
Andres "Fault" Ferrer is back on the DL for 2 weeks. He's getting a second chance at the bigs with Sante Fe. Hope he didn't mess it up.He is the first casualty of the April 7th massacre

Omar Perez
The last time I wrote about Omar Perez he just went on the 60 after being traded to the Colt 45's. This time he will miss only 2 weeks with a sore hip. Imagine how good he could have been.


Zach Goodwin
Poor Zach "Any win is a " Goodwin . He is another victim of the Massacre. He will be lost for the rest of this year and some of next year. Nobody wins here!


Jair Olmeda
Jair "Head" Olmeda is one of the young Moose's I talked about in the previews.He will miss 3 months with elbow surgery. Now drop and give me twenty Marine! 

Hi Shea
It's been so long since we've seen Hi Shea on the DL that I never gave him a nickname. So before I say goodbye to Hi ,I'll call him Hi "C" Shea. By the way, he will miss 2 months.

Eric Serrano
The Carnage continues with Eric "no" Serrano undergoing Knee-Surgery. He will miss 2 1/2 months , No kidding!

Jeff Burnett
One of my best pitchers was the final victim of April 7th. Jeff "Crash and" Burnett will miss 2 weeks with a Wittle cramp. This big baby isn't going get a contract extension if he keeps wussing out!

Ernest Truman
D L Darling Ernest "Would I Lie" Truman is back on the DL. He will miss 2 weeks with a sore man tittie.Really!

Walter Parker
Walter "Stuck In" Parker will miss the rest of the year with a Elbow Stress Fracture. Now Dodger is stuck with Parkers new contract.

J.J. Lansing
J.J. "Boil" Lansing may make it back by the playoffs. He went on the 60 day DL with a bulging disk in his back. Pain in the ass for Hshack. 

Luis Rodriguez
Say goodbye to Luis "Hot" Rodriguez. He will miss the rest of the year with Elbow Surgery.And he may not be ready for spring training. Hot he's not but Ardtomp is.

Joaquin Pena
Joaquin "Sub" Pena will miss 2 weeks with a back strain. Goldenbaer may sue for theft of services.

Virgil Ramirez
Virgil "Earp" Ramirez will be out 2 weeks with a sore shoulder.Poor Hshack he's got a bunch of Bums.



INTERNATIONALS

Ryota Sugawara Jackson Black Bears Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Okinawa, JP Position(s): CF View Hardball Dynasty Profile

My advanced scouting is bad but for 10.9 million. Sugawara looks like a steal.

Jung Masaoka Washington D.C. Wingdings Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Sendai City, JP Position(s): 2B View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Power-w-Hitting skills. good pickup and cost a mere 3 million.

Matty Manzanillo Salt Lake City Utes Age: 18 B/T: S/L Born: Punto Fijo, VE Position(s): P (none) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Pitching ain't cheap. 10.5 million and S/T invite for this Ute,

Yamil Cruz Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Los Mochis, MX Position(s): SS View Hardball Dynasty Profile

4 million for this good hitter. Even tho his health is low the max make-up should help.

Joseph Dong Colorado Springs Bandits Age: 18 B/T: S/R Born: Osaka, JP Position(s): C View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Really nice catching prospect.3.4 million is a bargain.

Junior Sano Helena Barking Moonbats Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Seoul, KR Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Like I said above, Pitching ain't cheap. 20 million this future Cy-Young contender. Catch the Fever!

THE WEEK IN WRIGLEYVILLE S-22 #1

TRADES
The AUSTIN CITY LIMITS traded Greg Osterbrock and 2,000,000 to the MILWAUKEE STURGEONS for Roosevelt Rapp and Ed Quantrill
The sturgeons get a pitching prospect and some cap money. Austin gets bullpen help and an innings eater.

M L INJURIES

Curt Jamison
Curt "Irish Whiskey" Jamison will miss 2 weeks with a broken toe. This Wing Dinger is a real Hum Dinger and is the life of the party!

Danny Baker
Danny " Bru" Baker will be in the Arkansas Prison Infirmary for 3 months. He suffered a broken arm and is sueing Illicit for violating his civil rights. 

Brian Martin
Brian "Rowing and" Martin will miss 3 weeks with a sore shoulder. Ard may want to by him one of them new-fangled outboard motors. Just sayin........ 

Juan Corpas
Juan "Marine" Corpas will miss 2 months with a bulging disk in his back. Now drop and give me 20 Nancy!

Charley Tenbrink
Looks like Charley "First and " Tenbrink's man boob healed. But alas, now he will miss 2 weeks with a strained shoulder.

Harry Ontiveros
Jmuhtoff will be without the services of Harry "Callahan" Ontiveros for a month. Jmuhtoff, You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?'"

Max Polanco
Max "Million" Polanco just signed a multi million one year contract. Now he will miss several weeks with a sore shoulder. "Max million'' will try and get Ardthomp to "Shell" out more cash.

Luther Rapp
Luther "Thats a" Rapp just got a nice new 36 million contract with a 10 million bonus. Now he will be on the DL for 2 weeks with a strained oblique. Sometimes your the Bug, Other times your the Windshield.

Al Carrasco
Hatton is feeling like the bug after yet another player hits the DL windshield. Al "amo" Carrasco will miss 2 weeks with a strained Quad.  

Tony Rios
Tony "Del" Rios was off to a great start then the groin stiffened up. Wylie needs to get the Tittie mags out of the locker room or he may have more stiffys.

INTERNATIONALS

Danry Pena Charlotte Sometimes Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Sabana Grande De Boya, DO Position(s): P (SP2) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Getting some rookie pitching

Eswalin Lee Minnesota Misfits Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Boca De Soco, DO Position(s): P (SP1) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Pbsilver signed the first big IFA with 10.6 million.My advanced scouting is low so I really can't comment on his future.

Yunel Pineda Trenton Toyotas Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Caibarien, CU Position(s): P (P) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Spring Trainng for this kid.

Victor Santana Syracuse Moose Age: 18 B/T: L/L Born: Hermosillo, MX Position(s): LF/1B/RF/DH View Hardball Dynasty Profile

2.1 million and Spring Training for this new Moose!

Eugenio Arroyo Santa Fe Blues Age: 20 B/T: L/L Born: San Cristobal, DO Position(s): P (P) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

Stocking the rookie team early

Peter Feng Santa Fe Blues Age: 18 B/T: R/R Born: Tokyo, JP Position(s): P (P) View Hardball Dynasty Profile

You can say that again, so I will. Stocking the rookie team early.