Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Weekend With Bernie

Bernie Melendez
Age: 23B/T: L/L
Born: San Juan De La Maguana, DO
Position(s): P (LRA)
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"What happened to Bernie Melendez?" Lagzilla said that this once coveted International free agent was in the big picture for the Hip Waders, but after a few seasons in the Big Easy, lagzilla sent Mr. Melendez packing for the sand, rocks, and dirt of Albuquerque. What happened indeed? VH1 caught up with Melendez to get his side of this twisted tale of debauchery, rampant addiction, and voodoo.

When Melendez was first signed by the New Orleans franchise, he thought he was on his way to super-stardom. Leaving behind the Dominican and its impoverished ways, Melendez was in for a huge culture shock when he arrived in Who-Dat country.

Melendez states, "I recall my agent picking me up from the airport and he basically just took me to my apartment and dropped me off, on my own. I cried for a few hours and then I decided that I would be a big boy and learn the new city."

But, a few hours in New Orleans is comparable to 10 lifetimes in the Dominican Republic. Melendez quickly found himself in some seedy neighborhoods and when he thought he couldn't get anymore lost than he already was, he stumbled upon what would turn into a way of life for him away from the field.

"Midget porn..." Melendez says with that thousand yard stare you might see from a grizzled veteran. He continues, "It was my safe place. Those little people had some much love for me, a stranger." He soon realized their world was filled with magic, voodoo, and time travel.

"I was so deep into the lifestyle that I stopped trying in baseball. I thought those little bastards loved me, but they were just using me for their snuff films."

Melendez "unwittingly" participated in 34 midget-snuff films, two bank robberies, and the killing of 57 innocent chickens.

Now that he is in Albuquerque, Melendez says the days of trying to be something he is not are long gone. "Now, I just play baseball. But, I did meet this nice family while I was hiking the other day. They kept joking that they lived in the mountains and ate people. They seemed like my kind of people. I think I am going to get along just fine out here."

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